Adventures in House Keeping

Adventures in House Keeping

Ladies and Gentlemen!! Welcome to our game show—Adventures in House Keeping, where you can clean it up for cash! I’m your host, Jay Frisbee and today our contestants will be facing the challenge of cleaning out under their couch cushions. Remember, there are prizes for the most disgusting item, the item missing the longest and the most unrecognizable object we find. There are also points we award for the most stains on the cushions, the condition of the throw pillows, the general appearance of the couch overall and the history of the piece. Now let’s meet our contestants.

With us today are two home makers. Contestant A is from the nearby metropolis of Greenburgtowne. She has two children, one in middle school and the other in high school. Her husband works at an insurance company and she is a receptionist at a dental office. Please give a warm welcome to….. Sally Ann Johnson!

Contestant B hails from the suburbs of Smithville City. She has three children, ages 7, 3, and 10 months. Her husband works at the local tire factory and she serves as secretary for the PTO at President Calvin Coolidge Elementary School. Put your hands together for Loretta Rinehart!

Now, Sally and Loretta, shake hands and join me here on the stage. Please stand beside your respective couches which we have brought into the studio for today’s competition. We have already had our panel of judges evaluate their physical condition as well as that of the throw pillows. These results will be revealed later in the show.

First, we will move to the history of your furniture. Sally, as everyone can see, your couch is the microfiber piece with three cushions and two matching throw pillows. Can you please tell our audience how long have you had these couches and where did you get them?

 “Thank you for having me today, Jay, and hello to the audience here in the studio and out in TV land. We bought this couch at the Discount Barn about five years ago. This is part of our living room set. Our kids have been kind of hard on the furniture in the last couple of years. They have a lot of friends over so it has seen quite a bit of wear and tear.”

Thank you, Sally; now we go to our next contestant. Loretta, your couch is this floral, tapestry looking print with two large cushions and three unmatched throw pillows. Loretta, where did you get this piece and how long have you had it?

“Hi Jay! Hi everybody! We got this sofa from my parents when we got married nine years ago. They were buying a new set, so we got this one. It’s been in our family room for the last three years. It’s a real sturdy piece, if we want it to look nice for company; we just throw a blanket over it.”

Thank you, Loretta. Now we will move to the portion of our show where we give you five minutes to clean underneath your cushions and display your findings. As you know, we have left your cushions untouched during the move from your houses to our studio. Ladies, assume your positions and please use the trays we have provided for the items you find. Ready ladies? Go!! Audience you may enjoy the music while the ladies are now digging frantically for the items that may bring them prizes and cash.

Okay, girls, time is up! Let’s see what you have uncovered in the past five minutes. Sally, we’ll begin with you. On your tray I see three forks, two spoons, a ball point pen, an egg timer, a crushed paper cup with dried soda drops, two socks – not matching, a hand towel smeared with paint, bread crumbs, a handful of popcorn kernels some partially chewed, the entertainment section of the newspaper dated two months ago, wilted lettuce leaves, a moldy watermelon rind, a sandal, a golf ball, two dice and four markers for a board game, half a candy bar and $1.87 in change. What a good variety of items, Sally. Can you tell me which item has been missing the longest?

“Well, Jay, I think it’s a toss-up between the hand towel and the sandal. I have been looking for that towel for about five months. I know that my daughter needed that sandal last spring for her school dance, but we couldn’t find it, and had to buy a new pair. So, I guess, I’d have to say definitely the sandal.”

Okay then. Loretta, what is on your tray? I see four fruit snacks covered in lint and grit, a dryer sheet, five binkies, a dog bone, a leathery apple core, a pair of children’s underwear, an old diaper, a handful of various dry cereals like Cheerios, a vacuum cleaner attachment, a plastic child’s plate with dried mac and cheese on it. What is this? A snake? Oh, it’s a string of rubber off of a rubber base board. Okay, we finish up your tray with a burp rag, and a broken birthday candle with dried frosting on the edges and a $50 bill. Which of these items, Loretta, is the one missing the longest?

“Now I know why my husband was $50 short from his last paycheck. This money must have fallen out of his pocket! But for the item missing the longest, I would definitely say it’s the diaper. There has been a funny smell in our family room for a month or so. The dog was sniffing around the couch a few days ago, but I thought he was trying to lick that syrup off the cushion from where my son, Benny, tipped his plate over.”

Okay, Loretta, we’ll go with the diaper then. Now that you’ve mentioned the syrup stain, are there any other noteworthy stains you’d like to mention?

“This stain on top is from when my daughter, Juju, threw up after drinking three glasses of grape juice before jumping on the couch for twenty minutes like a trampoline. It took us a week for the smell to clear. And these black marks are from when my husband Roy, gets home from the tire factory and his arms are dirty, but he sits right here to watch TV until I give him his dinner. Speaking of Roy’s dinner, this stain is from the time I gave him a bowl of Spaghettios and the dog jumped right up in his lap and knocked his food right out of his hand and this one….”

Thank you, Loretta, that is all we have time for. We can only mention a few noteworthy stains per contestant. And now, Sally, do you have any stains you’d like to mention briefly?

“This is where my daughter spilled a bottle of Fire Engine Red nail polish and tried to wipe it up with my good kitchen towel, here. And this is the spot where my son sat on a handful of blueberries when he didn’t look before he planted his behind. This spot is where our cat hacked up a hairball. I also want to point out the tear here on the opposite side of this throw pillow, that was my son again, playing around with his pocket knife, the big goof ball! And if you notice the fraying on the sides here, that is where our cat uses the couch for a scratching post.”

Okay ladies, than you for those interesting comments. We’ll now hear a few words from our sponsors while the judges tally the scores to determine our winner. We’ll be right back.

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, we are about to reveal the scores between our two contestant’s couches. There are five categories of scores which add up to 1,000 points. As I mentioned earlier, we have scores for general condition of the furniture, worth 500 points. The condition of the throw pillows is worth 100 points. Another 100 points for the item missing the longest, 100 points for the most disgusting item found, 100 points for  the most unrecognizable item found and finally, 100 points for the history of the piece for a combined total of 1,000 points. Now let’s see how our contestants did. Sally and Loretta, here we go.

Sally; let’s take your couch first. For physical condition, your couch rates 300 out of 500 for stains and general appearance. Your throw pillows are reasonably fluffy, but one of them is torn, bringing your score to a 75 out of 100. Another 75 out of 100 for the missing sandal. We determined the most disgusting item was the moldy watermelon rind and the most unrecognizable item was the wilted lettuce leaves. You get 180 out of 200 there and 50 out of 100 for the history of the piece bringing your combined total score to 680 out of 1000.

Loretta, your couch wins a 450 out of 500 for physical appearance, your throw pillows are a definite 100 out of 100 for thinness, mis-matchedness and dilapidated condition. Again, another 100 out of 100 for the missing object, the dirty diaper. Glad we could solve that mysterious smell problem for you, by the way. The most unrecognizable object was the rubber base board snake and the most disgusting items were the hairy fruit snacks, and that’s only because we can’t count the diaper twice. Those win you 185 out of 200 and for the history of the piece you score 70 out of 100 bringing your total combined score to 905 out of 1,000. That  makes you our winner! Congratulations!

Here is your trophy for Couch Most Needing to be Cleaned. You also win $500 in cash and a gift certificate for another $1500 to Home Decorations R Us. Maybe you can use it to buy a couch cover to you don’t need to throw a blanket over this couch anymore.

Sally, as our second place contestant, we are pleased to present you with this Dust Buster. Hopefully, it will helpful for cleaning under your cushions in the future.  A big thank you to both of our contestants for sharing their couches with us and being on the show today.

That’s all our time for now. Please join us for future episodes of Adventures in House Keeping, including cleaning under the kitchen sink, cleaning out the linen closet, and cleaning your junk drawer. Remember, if you want to clean it out, you could clean it out for cash!

Thank you to our studio audience; this is Jay Frisbee signing off.

(C) 2012 Amy Bambilla. All Rights Reserved.